I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
