You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
