Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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