dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
