I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
