My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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