I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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