OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
