Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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