so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
