You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
