Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
