If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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