At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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