guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
