I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just forgot I was standing up.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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