Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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