I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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