I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
