you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
