i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
