i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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