mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
