wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
