We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
