I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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