Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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