OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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