fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
