Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
