I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
