I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
