i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
