K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
