im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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