He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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