once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
