last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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