i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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