well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
