woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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