I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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