Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
only you would photoshop your dick
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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