i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
