My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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