So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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