do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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