She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
