I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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