You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He felt like a one man threesome
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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