you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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