oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
